Thursday, January 21, 2010

Feeling Better

Honestly, I am going to try to blog regularly - I find myself journaling/blogging in my head, but somehow getting it actually out of me feels better.

My last post, a couple of weeks ago, found me pretty down. I called and scheduled an appointment with a counselor but have since cancelled it. I think I need to first go see my primary care physician. Last July I saw her and my white cells were off. I was supposed to go back, but well, life gets in the way. I want to make sure that is ok and also talk to her about restless leg syndrome. I may check in to some meds for the depression as well.

Although, on that front, I'm doing much much better. I sat down with hubby and had it out. I let everything out and for once, he sat and listened. I think he had seen how down I was and knew how serious things were. We both got a lot off our chests and afterwards I felt much better. I've been voicing my needs and concerns and although there has been a little friction, it's been better and I know that despite wanting to kill him sometimes (kidding! - any wife knows what I mean), I do love him.

The talk helped and I have been making sure to voice things both at home and at work so that I'm not bottling the stress - which I am horribly guilty of doing. I'm also working on praying more and really focusing on things in my day. I've been taking time at night to think about the best part of my day, the worst part of my day, the funniest part, and something I would change. It's helped me to put things in perspective.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

New Year

I've been horrible about blogging, but I really feel a need to keep a journal and so I've decided to do so here. This past year has been hard for me. Rob has not worked since September 2008 and so is always here. At first he tried really hard to find a job but I think as no jobs came, depression came and with it gout. It's been a true test for us. I love him, I honestly do. But the man drives me insane. I want the gout to go away. I want him to realize how he talks sometimes. I want him to find a job that makes him happy. I think that's the hardest part. He used to be so much fun and was full of love and life. He hasn't been that person for several years and I miss him. I want him to be happy again and I want to be happy again.
I have been so terribly depressed lately. Christmas was a bad day - just really down. The past few days have been horrid as well. I can't eat, I'm tired, I am crying constantly. I feel as if a huge weight is sitting on top of my chest.
Bills are terrible but I am able to stay on top of most. Rob had a few credit cards, that don't have my name on it and those are unpaid. He has to go to court Tuesday for one of them. I'm really scared of the outcome.
However, I am trying to be optimistic. I made some resolutions, although I hate to call them that, on New Years. One is to read the bible or a prayer book daily. Another is to end each day in prayer telling the good and bad things of the day. Another is to try to be more positive for Ryan. It's tough to keep up the facade for him and not take out my frustration on him. I'm trying and God love him, he's an awesome kid! I want to play with him more and enjoy him and his childhood more. I also want to lose some weight which I think will help in all areas so I started on my metformin again last night. We'll see if I keep it up. I'm going to try. Tomorrow I'm also going to start my day with some exercises to try to boost my endorphins and help it to be a more positive day.
Wish me luck!