I've been horrible about blogging, but I really feel a need to keep a journal and so I've decided to do so here. This past year has been hard for me. Rob has not worked since September 2008 and so is always here. At first he tried really hard to find a job but I think as no jobs came, depression came and with it gout. It's been a true test for us. I love him, I honestly do. But the man drives me insane. I want the gout to go away. I want him to realize how he talks sometimes. I want him to find a job that makes him happy. I think that's the hardest part. He used to be so much fun and was full of love and life. He hasn't been that person for several years and I miss him. I want him to be happy again and I want to be happy again.
I have been so terribly depressed lately. Christmas was a bad day - just really down. The past few days have been horrid as well. I can't eat, I'm tired, I am crying constantly. I feel as if a huge weight is sitting on top of my chest.
Bills are terrible but I am able to stay on top of most. Rob had a few credit cards, that don't have my name on it and those are unpaid. He has to go to court Tuesday for one of them. I'm really scared of the outcome.
However, I am trying to be optimistic. I made some resolutions, although I hate to call them that, on New Years. One is to read the bible or a prayer book daily. Another is to end each day in prayer telling the good and bad things of the day. Another is to try to be more positive for Ryan. It's tough to keep up the facade for him and not take out my frustration on him. I'm trying and God love him, he's an awesome kid! I want to play with him more and enjoy him and his childhood more. I also want to lose some weight which I think will help in all areas so I started on my metformin again last night. We'll see if I keep it up. I'm going to try. Tomorrow I'm also going to start my day with some exercises to try to boost my endorphins and help it to be a more positive day.
Wish me luck!